What is it about Christmas that sends me into the depths of despondency I wonder? There are no decorations out of their boxes here yet...no tree. Cards are mounting up on the bookshelf waiting to be pinned up around the lounge on the picture rail. There are still presents to buy, hampers to pack up and one final batch of whisky marmalade to make and I'm about as enthusiastic as a wet weekend in Welshpool...mountainear can tell you what that's like!!
I suppose it started in childhood, when being a 'lonely only' when I wanted to go out and see what all my little friends had received from Santa the comment always was, 'Oh no..they wont be out today ...its Christmas!' Oh great! Sometimes my cousin would come and keep me company and stay for Chrsitmas tea but she was seven years older than me so soon found other things to do, places to go, people to see........
Everybody said ...'you wait 'til you get your own kids you will love Christmas then!' Sorry ...they lied! Before we quite got into the swing of it I was a single parent family having to contend with 'access' requirements and on alternate years packing a little bag with little presents 'love from mummy' to be opened under another tree in another house. I would go for a long walk! Muttering!
Then just as I thought I might be getting into the gist of it we had THE Christmas from hell...we moved house on the 22 December...with great big dryers sucking the moisture out of the air. and put the tree up...my poorly mum went downhill fast on Christmas day and died on Boxing day...we took the tree down and the Christmas cards as they were soon replaced with Sympathy cards...by Epiphany we had moved everything out of her house and had a funeral.....I can remember muttering 'First person to ask me 'Have you had a good Christmas' will get two black eyes and a broken nose!'
The following year my closest friend was seriously ill and I sat by her bed in the hospice writing her Christmas cards for her ....she never made it to Christmas day. Then my neighbour's husband decided to take his leave on Christmas day as well...a few years ago she remarried and had some wonderful years travelling the world ...guess what he did last Christmas? Oh yes he did!! What's the chances of THAT happening I wonder! She's not keen on Christmas either any more!
First person to play the 'new granny so you will have a lovely Christmas THIS year' will get a mince pie right on the nose....the little family are 'expected' elsewhere...meanwhile husband and youngest son will be getting up at the crack of dawn to go and work at the chicken farm because all the foreign workers are going home for Christmas! They will come home and sleep as soon as the turkey has been devoured. I think middle son has volunteered to go to work so someone with a family can have the day off ...and me? ..I'll read the lesson in Church and then I think I'll go for a walk!
So I just cant get in the right frame of mind somehow ....if its fine on Boxing Day hopefully we will load up the dogs, turkey sandwiches, Christmas cake and a flask of coffee and do the 70 mile trip to the sea to blow the cobwebs away and get the endorphins jigging a bit...if its not fine..I'll go for a walk.
I just wish I could break the spell...jump about...enjoy it ..decorate the house with huge wreaths of holly and ivy and have a Christmas Tree that touches the ceiling surrounded by laughing happy faces, buy the RIGHT present for a change ...I always make a mess of that little chore! I need a personal shopper with imagination or something.
Anyway enough from a thoroughly miserable shepherdess who needs a kick up the bum ...I've got something to look forward to tomorrow...a trip to the dentist...cant wait!
Oh and by the way ...Happy Christmas....ten days time it will all be over and I can come out from under the duvet!
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19 comments:
You have given us, your friends here, the best Christmas present ever, yourself. Thank you for that my friend.
Oh what a lovely honest account of the run up to Christmas! I know how you feel. I used to rush about like a headless chicken making it all fun and games and decorations for the family and friends until one day about 15 years ago I woke up on the 28th December and realised I had fed 157 people over the past 3 days 30 for Lunch Christmas Day 30 for Supper Christmas Night 57 for Brunch on Boxing Day 20 for Supper on Boxing night and another 20 for lunch on the 27th. I looked myself in the mirrror and said you are BONKERS don't do it again, I can't say I haven't done quite a few meals I have but I have learnt to put my brain into gear before I put my mouth into action and take a low profile when arrangements are being made.
Blossom
I can understand why it isnt a happy time for you. What a shame. Hope this year will perhaps have some good times for you.
Yep, do not have quite the scale of tragedy that you've clocked up but do have some pretty harrowing Christmas memories. I also loathe the rampant consumerism of it all. My girls are with me this year which I'm looking forwards too - just as I would look forwards to seeing them any time - but apart from that I would be quite happy to hibernate until new year - which I love.
You have every reason to hide under the duvet. Christmas can be an awful time for many people due to losing loved ones and I fully sympathise with you.
Take care of yourself and don't worry if you can't get into the swing of it. You are a good person. That is all that matters.
Crystal xx
HERE COMES A CYBER KICK>>>>>>>>>>>>
AND if your going to travel 70 miles on boxing day it should be in my direction, just make sure your flask as brandy in it...xxxx I MEAN IT.
I can understand how you must feel. Two of my friends one year - one's mum died on Christmas Day and the other's mum died on Boxing Day. Both super ladies in their 70s, knew them both well.
Christmas is not the best time for lots of people.
God bless you SBS.
Hello from an old maid in New York who is sort of going with Bodran's kick.
You're a sweetie. Christmas is a day that could have sweet spiritual connections, but somehow gets all entangled with cultural notions, expectations, un-filled wishes, all sorts of stuff.
Christmas may indeed be just our latest way to lighten up the darkest days of the calendar year.
Today was a gloomy day in NY, lots of freezing rain, etc. It was a day off from work for me, and I really had a grand time baking cookies that I will give away to various "lucky" folks. They are simple basic butter with brown sugar rolled out cookies cut into star shapes and sprinkled with red sugar.
While I rolled, cut and baked, repeat, repeat, I listened to some lovely live jazz music on my little boombox radio. The apartment smelled wonderful with each fresh sheet of cookies.
I also finished up some of my handpainted Christmas cards that I will mail tomorrow.
These are simple pleasures, very quietly done in a solitude that I do not choose, but can accept, and enjoy.
When I begin to measure my life against others' I am in dangerous territory. For my happiness, both at holiday times and everyday, I am better just trying to focus on the current time, and enjoying it as best I can.
Hoping that some of this makes some sense to you sanilbeachsheep lady. Merry Christmas. xo
Good luck at the dentist!!!
I love honesty and that was really honest. not everyone has a great time and there's no reason why you should feel that you have to pretend. Plenty has happened to make it a crappy time for you; just try to be kind to yourself - if you are going to be by yourself while the others work then plan some things YOU would enjoy. Maybe there are dreadful progs on telly that you love and never get to see? Long soak in bath with chocs and wine and a fab book? Whatever brings you some pleasure is what you should be trying to find time for and blow the rest. I wish you much luck and love for this Christmas SBS and thanks for reminding us what a bally trial it can be xxx
Strictly between you and me......... you and I are kindred spirits. Possibly because of my unhappy childhood (?) I too dread Christmas and breathe a big sigh of relief when it's all over. It was lovely when the children were,.... well children. My son is coming for Christmas Day and my daughter and the family come here in the evening on Christmas Day. so I must make an effort. I refuse to get wound up now and just ignore it all till the last minute. It's just like another weekend really isn't it, when you boil it down? Bah humbug.
PS I'm off to the dentist tomorrow too! (I posted this on the blog below by mistake).
Oh SBS - I do sympathise. I think Christmas is far from merry for a lot of people, but we all expect to put on a rose-tinted glow for the occasion. I think the trick might be not to have any expectations - I certainly don't, and often find myself pleasantly surprised that it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
A refreshingly honest blog - hope it turns out better than you'd expected.
LBD xx
I read your blog and turned away quickly. I used to feel like that. Horrible things do happen all the time but if they happen at Christmas there is a jolt everytime that dreaded date comes around. This year I am not going to let the past intrude, So Happy Christmas and much love LWB
My new friend,so sorry you have had such awful Christmas times in the past but it does us good to look at what really is important to us..friendship,kindness,honesty and the love of our families. I have a friend who celebrates xmas on the 30th December every year and swears it is so much better, how about moving your xmas to a family celebration day later on.Take care, enjoy your walks and be kind to yourself.
I kinda know how you feel - Christmas doesn't hold a huge amount of joy for me anymore (nor my parents) and if I could disregard it I probably would. But there you go - it's not going to ever go away, so instead I'll raise a glass to you on Xmas Day and think of you. mootia x
Your blog will have struck a cord with so many.
Christmas is not all Bing Crosby and the Sound of Music and I bet we all have different niggles or events that we can relate to with how you feel about it.
Some good news though for this year my friend...we all have each other....and we all understand.
warmest wishes
xx
Big hugs SBS.
3 years ago I lost my father and best friend just before Xmas and our biggest customer went under, nearly taking us with them. I had a near-fatal accident and spent Xmas in hospital. Lying inthe hospital bed on Boxing day, I was about to feel a tad sorry for myself when I turned on the television and watched a huge tidal wave sweep away thousands of lives. I realised anyone who had lost their loved ones that day would have gladly changed places with me right then. Your family may not be around the table, but they are happy, safe and well. So walk the dogs, throw a log on the fire and pour a glass of wine.
Merry Christmas, SB!
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