Right...thats done and dusted now lets get on with something else!

A couple of weeks ago I tried to give myself a kick up the bum by just writing down for the world to see why it is I dread Christmas...I suppose it was a bit of self psychology or something because it did help to write it down and the comments that were left were understanding and I thank all those who did leave a comment from the bottom of my heart because it really did help. I was not feeling sorry for myself I hasten to add just annoyed that I never seem to get there because of the weight of memories and the surreal feeling that this family does sometimes wonder if Christmas is indeed cursed! I think I physically start holding my breath on the 1 December......just in case...........

Church on Christmas morning was beautiful, the colours being red and green against the wooden panelling with candellight twinkling on what was a dark dank morning. Little tiny girls in new frocks helped with the service...putting the baby in the crib, lighting the last advent candle, taking the bread and wine to the altar, then they played little bells and shakers during the carols...and as I sat there I thought of all the new friends I had met this year and what Christmas held for some of them.......

And just in case anybody thinks I flunked the whole thing ...a photo of the tree, and the dining room table before all the pickle hampers were delivered!

Now looking back at it I can also see the tremendous amount of pressure we put on ourelves in this day and age to celebrate Christmas, mentally, physically and financially! How many others woke on Boxing Day with a feeling that a huge weight had just disappeared ...the sky was blue, the sun was out......I am a complete cow on Boxing Day I start spring cleaning like a whirling dervish ..out of my way ...the energy levels are on top notch...the music is on...Paul Potts this year! By lunchtime the ovens had been blitzed, the shelves were gleaming again! Out of my way darkness and despair and DUST...let me at it!

Father and youngest son went to work at 4:30am on Boxing day ...(just to avoid the harridan of Boxing Day they said) so they appeared later but were not exactly scintillating company.........

While they snoozed, I scrubbed then slumped enough to read the whole of Ian McEwan's 'On Chesil Beach'...its not big ...I cant read that fast... honest! Wow! I shall not say a word...just 'Wow'

(quick advert for Country Craft Angel here ...still draped over the settee is the present sack she kindly made for Toby's first Christmas ...it is just so bright and colourful I couldnt put it away!)

On the bottom of a Christmas card I found the words...'what is it with our family and Christmas?'.............. I just dont know dear cousin...I just dont know!

But its over now and there is work to be done................c'mon then...look chirpy!!!!!

December 26th 2007

Nineteen years ago today my mum, by bestest friend ever passed away ...there is no grave to tend as was her wish so if I just leave some flowers here and a Mary Webb poem..........

To Mother Christmas 1920

Within the doorway of your room tonight

I stood, and saw your little treasures all

Set out beneath the golden candle light,

While silver chimes haunted the evenfall.

Here was the robin, very round and bright,

Painted by one of us with fingers small,

And childish presents, bought with grave delight,

For many an ancient Christmas festival.

And while I looked, dear mother, I thought of those

Great dreams that men have dreamed - music like flame,

The lovely works of many a deathless name,

Poetry blooming like a fragrant rose;

And knew God kept them in his House above,

As you our gifts, from the greatness of His love.

Seven days and counting.....

Our Cinderella has gone to the ball tonight ...and very smart he was too! So here I am passing a few moments between writing the last letters to go in Christmas cards and driving up the A488 to be a green pumpkin to collect said Cinders from Bishops castle before midnight I hope.

I'm getting there! The cards are done and dusted and winging their way. The Tesco shopping is ordered. Still some hampers for family to finish and some cakes to marzipan and ice but I think I'm on the down slope now.

The dentist appointment yesterday sort of fell apart...the car decided to break down on the very busy A49. I was stranded on a piece of concrete opposite the new Ludlow Food Hall for the best part of an hour and a half. I rang the dentist and apologised and obtained a new appointment ....Christmas Eve! He is going to get me before Christmas hell or high water!
I waited patiently for husband to appear to sort car which he duly did but I didn't trust it or his repair and was in panic mode to get to Shrewsbury where I was meeting Country Craft Angel for a coffee at Dobbies garden centre. So he suggests we swap vehicles and I drive the green godess back to Shrewsbury .....yikes! Well I have only driven it once before ...a sort of practice thingy ages ago...Oh sod it ...let me at it! Off I went and soon got the gist of it...the last he saw of me was my tail lights tearing through Onibury! I even overtook another truck!!

I wasn't too late to meet CCA and after I had washed the oil off my hands and all three of us sat there over coffee cups then husband left to return to work and we settled down to the sort of natter that long lost friends have where you loose all sense of time and place ...well until someone turned the piano music on and nearly deafened us! Nine months ago we were just distant names on a magazine web page ....just look at us now! In fact just look at all of us....amazing isn't it?

Meanwhile back at the ranch...I saw comments this morning about the necessity for cleaning for Christmas ...I had to laugh as I instantly remembered my mother's antics pre Christmas...alll the rugs from every room had to be well beaten, windows cleaned, under the beds had to be dusted...why? Was Father Christmas going to look under our beds? The whole thing worried me to death ...did he really look under the beds? I didn't like the thought of this strange man in my room peeping under my bed..in fact I didnt like it one little bit and remember having nightmares about it!

Ah well now the nightmares are simply about the logistics of Christmas.....back to the dentist ...I'm grinding my teeth in my sleep again...the whole household can hear me ...but no worries its just Christmas!!!

Nine days and counting

What is it about Christmas that sends me into the depths of despondency I wonder? There are no decorations out of their boxes here yet...no tree. Cards are mounting up on the bookshelf waiting to be pinned up around the lounge on the picture rail. There are still presents to buy, hampers to pack up and one final batch of whisky marmalade to make and I'm about as enthusiastic as a wet weekend in Welshpool...mountainear can tell you what that's like!!

I suppose it started in childhood, when being a 'lonely only' when I wanted to go out and see what all my little friends had received from Santa the comment always was, 'Oh no..they wont be out today ...its Christmas!' Oh great! Sometimes my cousin would come and keep me company and stay for Chrsitmas tea but she was seven years older than me so soon found other things to do, places to go, people to see........

Everybody said ...'you wait 'til you get your own kids you will love Christmas then!' Sorry ...they lied! Before we quite got into the swing of it I was a single parent family having to contend with 'access' requirements and on alternate years packing a little bag with little presents 'love from mummy' to be opened under another tree in another house. I would go for a long walk! Muttering!

Then just as I thought I might be getting into the gist of it we had THE Christmas from hell...we moved house on the 22 December...with great big dryers sucking the moisture out of the air. and put the tree up...my poorly mum went downhill fast on Christmas day and died on Boxing day...we took the tree down and the Christmas cards as they were soon replaced with Sympathy cards...by Epiphany we had moved everything out of her house and had a funeral.....I can remember muttering 'First person to ask me 'Have you had a good Christmas' will get two black eyes and a broken nose!'

The following year my closest friend was seriously ill and I sat by her bed in the hospice writing her Christmas cards for her ....she never made it to Christmas day. Then my neighbour's husband decided to take his leave on Christmas day as well...a few years ago she remarried and had some wonderful years travelling the world ...guess what he did last Christmas? Oh yes he did!! What's the chances of THAT happening I wonder! She's not keen on Christmas either any more!

First person to play the 'new granny so you will have a lovely Christmas THIS year' will get a mince pie right on the nose....the little family are 'expected' elsewhere...meanwhile husband and youngest son will be getting up at the crack of dawn to go and work at the chicken farm because all the foreign workers are going home for Christmas! They will come home and sleep as soon as the turkey has been devoured. I think middle son has volunteered to go to work so someone with a family can have the day off ...and me? ..I'll read the lesson in Church and then I think I'll go for a walk!

So I just cant get in the right frame of mind somehow ....if its fine on Boxing Day hopefully we will load up the dogs, turkey sandwiches, Christmas cake and a flask of coffee and do the 70 mile trip to the sea to blow the cobwebs away and get the endorphins jigging a bit...if its not fine..I'll go for a walk.

I just wish I could break the spell...jump about...enjoy it ..decorate the house with huge wreaths of holly and ivy and have a Christmas Tree that touches the ceiling surrounded by laughing happy faces, buy the RIGHT present for a change ...I always make a mess of that little chore! I need a personal shopper with imagination or something.

Anyway enough from a thoroughly miserable shepherdess who needs a kick up the bum ...I've got something to look forward to tomorrow...a trip to the dentist...cant wait!

Oh and by the way ...Happy Christmas....ten days time it will all be over and I can come out from under the duvet!

My 'Pipany' day!

I was sitting quietly giggling at Pipany's blog of her day from hell ...little did I realise I had one of my own in the offing ...that'll teach me to laugh at someone elses misfortune! So just beware when you read this ...if you feel the urge to laugh it will indeed be your turn next! You have been warned!!

Sarah Kennedy prattling on woke me at 6.15 ...no time to dawdle ...aaaarggghhhh its cold out there...frost and a clear sky but still quite dark! The ducks and chickens have to opened up before daylight and they are not amused! Youngest son has to be at Sixth Form College early because he is off on a trip to Salford University for a student conference. Wow ...sounds verrrrrrry important doesnt it? No buses at this hour of the morning so I have to drive the 15 miles to the college then back 27 miles to work. We saw a pearly dawn and sun rise over the wood yard in Bishops Castle. How romantic.........NOT!

Then the normal frenetic day at work, two meetings, staff problems ....the thought of driving back to Bishops Castle to collect said son was not met with enthusiasm I must admit. But when I reached home and found 56 Shropshire Stars waiting to be delivered I was very nearly distraught! Or sick! The relief delivery boy never appeared. So with lamb chops in the oven, mum and dad set off to do the paper round which is very picturesque in spring and summer but on a night as black as a bag it is something else! Look out for pot holes, milk bottles, gates that won't open, why are most of the letter boxes on the floor ?and as for lights on a sensor ...why do they all go out just before the step or the gate?....what a nightmare!

Just as we left one driveway, he was looking left to join the road and I wasn't in the truck properly ...well I was still in my work clothes and somehow a black smart skirt and top with black tights and proper shoes doesnt aid the clambering in and out of a truck like the green godess!! So as he took off I was left mid air...one foot in ...one dragging behind...one hand on the door and screaming obscenities like a fishwife! I broke a nail off! A toe nail at that!

We returned to the peace of home ...the phone rang! 'I will be in Bishops Castle in half an hour' ...how nice! So we both go to meet son hot from university and attempt to hold interesting conversation with sixteen year old who appears to be hyper on E numbers or similar and wants to talk for England! I found an empty tube of Jaffa cakes in his bag this morning which may account for that ...and of course the travel sickness tablets this family has to take like Smarties!

Back home we feed and shut up animals and rescue lamb chops from the oven and hopefully sit down for a late evening meal. Relax? Hang on ...no cake in tin ...sandwich boxes will be somewhat sparse so just fling a quick fruit cake together ...slap it in the oven and turn to press button on dishwasher ......odd noise!

It was like a horror film....I have never seen anything like it! Instead of water going down the plug hole in the sink ...there was 'stuff' coming up it ...and through the over flow! I stood there transfixed and staring in disbelief ...I thought I had fallen asleep and was dreaming! Then realisation dawned ...when this lot of 'stuff' reached the top of the sink...it was all going to hit the floor ...big time! Panic mode .....gimme some E numbers quick I need energy! Scream for help! (needless to say what with the episode in the truck and now this today I have no voice!)

The only way to sort it out is remove the plumbing between the sink and the dishwasher ...fine...but it is all behind the cupboard ...remove everything from cupboard and shelves and miles of plastic plumbing and bowls and buckets of gunge and wish for my bed ...with or without bedsocks! It took the best part of two hours to sort that lot out and replace innards of cupboard.

I fell into bed at midnight thinking in six and a half hours Sarah Kennedy will be prattling on again and I just might have to tell her to bog off! Oh and the cake was charred!

I hope you havent giggled .....because your 'Pipany' day may not be far away!!

Just a few Christmas bits!

I awoke to the early morning radio and Sarah Kennedy was trolling on about the latest fact that only one school in five now put on a nativity play at Christmas...and I thought how sad! I can remember playing Mary once with a blue dress and a tea towel on my head and I had my own doll for the baby Jesus which bothered me a bit because her name was actually Joyce!

I can still see middle son playing Joseph many years later ....'Mary' had the baby hidden in her blue voluminous gown....'Joseph' reached across and tapped hidden baby hard ...'You should have that out of there by now!' the audience fell about and 'Mary' reached forward and gave 'Joseph' a real thwack round the head.....'gerrorf me you pillock' she said in none too dulcet tones.....

Fast forward a few years ....same son as a server in Church for midnight mass. So proud to be there ...so grown up being allowed up at midnight. But sadly it proved too much....he sat there but instead of putting his head forward and gently dozing ...Oh no...he put his head back folded his arms and snored for England! I was mortified! The vicar gave me a wink as I knelt at the rail to receive communion and whispered ...'dont worry I will never let him forget this!' He didn't!!

A few years a go we received a note from on high...we were not to send religous cards around the offices in case we caused offence to anyone of an ethnic minority! We were somewhat gobsmacked ......hang on a mo....if we had someone of another ethnic group or religion working with us we would go out of our way to learn about their festivals and even take part....needless to say the shops selling religious christmas cards sold out that year!!

Christmas or the silly season I wonder?

I did hear a rather catchy comment on Radio 1 on Saturday surprisingly......

'Jesus is the Reason for the Season!

I quite like that.

Dear Jane

I've been tagged by Rob Clack to write a letter to myself when I was 13 years of age! This feels really weird but here goes.....

Dear Jane,
You know how much you hate maths at the moment?...Well you wont believe this but you will get to enjoy figure work ...unfortunately it will take about another twenty years but you will get there.....and French? Well you might as well stop right now because you never will fathom that out! Remember that needlework teacher telling you that you are beyond redemption? You will actually get to make clothes for yourself, three kids and four neices and you will loose count of the curtains you will make so take no notice of the daft old bat.

You may actually need to follow your first instinct rather than teeter on the edge and then draw back and later regret it....that will be a trait that will hinder you in studies, career and relationships and you will kick yourself on more than one occasion for not just following that first feeling. Learn to trust yourself ...you know yourself...even at thirteen!

Friends may drift like the tide but strangely enough the friends you have at thirteen will still feature forty years on. Talking of tides you know how you dread travelling? ...Learn to live with it dear because otherwise it will drive you mad...there will be ways and means including drinking copious amounts of brandy on cross channel ferries but not just yet! Just keep on taking the tablets! Yes I know you have been taking them since you were about four ...get used to it because you will still be taking them as you head to fifty four!!

Reading will always play a great part in your life and writing.......although your handwriting is still pretty dire it wont be long until you shock everybody and win a prize for it! Just keep on reading...it really is the best thing you can do and take no notice of your mates who scoff because mum and dad refuse to have a TV in the house and only watch it in hotel lounges when on holiday.

When you get the urge to have your long hair cut..........DONT.....you will so regret it the very next day! Keep out of school yard scraps having lost one front tooth already you dont need to loose any more!

You will have little choice but to stand up for yourself as you get older ...there are not to be any siblings to turn to in dark moments...but you can do it...even at thirteen with red hair and a tooth missing you know where you are going...............with a little dog at your heels of course!

Yours truly,

Jane



A stange little mental exercise which I will now pass on to Elizabethm, Mountainear, UPL and Cait