How not to behave in hospital!

Gosh, haven't been in here for ages, quick whizz round with the old duster is called for I think! Flowers everywhere now. Quick peep out of the window at the clematis hanging off the summer house - its never looked so lovely. Any day the peonies will burst and the roses are budding up beautifully. I love this garden in June - it really is pretty.... anyway grab a corner of the squashy sofa ... yes you can tuck your feet up as well ... no ceremony here you know. Tea? Coffee? There's some Lady Grey somewhere... or shall we just throw caution to the wind and open the wine?

Well I did have a laugh when I was in hospital, needless to say we were very, very naughty! When I got there on the Monday morning, boots blacked, hair washed you know the look - there were no beds to be had and seventeen prospective patients were turned away. I sat there pondering what was going to happen while they rang my consultant....the answer came back ....'even if she sleeps under cardboard on the grass she has got to stay!' Fine - no probs - find me some cardboard and I'll knock myself up a shelter....anyway they decided that because I was classed as 'self caring' and didn't need my blood pressure doing every few hours I could stay in one of the cottages in the grounds normally used for relatives that have a long way to travel. Off I went to find my new home and very nice it was too. Very clean, very basic, very quiet. There are three bedrooms, a communal bathroom, kitchen and lounge. I met my house mate Sylvia straight away and we were soon nattering away...we soon found that we had at one time lived in the same village and had mutual friends. She was a very fit 73 year old lady who was there to assist her disabled daughter after an operation.

I spent the rest of the day being assessed, prodded and poked, measured and twisted into positions that I had not thought possible! As evening fell we met back at the cottage and after a good dose of Corrie decided to go for a walk. I didn't for one minute think we would go far and was only wearing flip flops but Sylvia had other ideas and we set off out of the hospital grounds at a brisk pace! Bearing in mind that neither of us were local to the area and had no idea where we were heading for.....we kept walking...and nattering....and walking!

We found our way into the centre of a village and passed a working man's club, a chip shop and lo and behold there was a choice of two pubs in front of us! Well ......in we went, as soon as we checked if either of us had any money ....we both had! It was one of those pubs that has not moved with the times and had remained a real male domain....did we care? Did we hell! Silence fell as we were inspected by a dozen pairs of eyes over the rims of pint glasses! It had been a hot sticky day so I plumped for cider as my drinking partner went on the lager! We found a seat and carried on nattering....with the odd comment, sotto voice, about our surroundings! Then we noticed the two gentlemen sitting nearest to us .....padded lumberjack shirts, rigger boots, Irish accents, positively plastered....got the picture? I murmered to Sylvia 'dont fancy yours much' and she went into a fit of the giggles.....she said, 'Just look at yours then!' ...at the other end of the bar was a dead ringer for popeye the sailor ...right down to the blue cap!

You know when you are in the wrong place at the wrong time and those awful giggles keep emerging.....well I thought I was going to burst! Then the Irish tried a spot of conversation..... hopeless really.... the accent overtook the drunken rambling and we hadn't a clue what they were on about .....'any minute now we'll be having a rendition of Danny Boy..' Sylvia murmered ...well into our second drink now! We carried on in our own sweet way ...taking no notice of the locals who were obviously wondering which funny farm we would be returning to.

Then it came time to leave.....Sylvia turns to me...'Can you run?' I sit there in gobsmaked amazement .....'Dont be daft I've got flip flops on and been drinking cider and I havent had an alcoholic drink since Christmas ... not a hope!'

'We will have to make a sharp turn round the pub in case those two follow us' she says as she puts her handbag on her shoulder.

'I dont think they are capable of following us anyway!'

Out we go with cheery goodbyes all round to the most miserable looking band of men I have ever had the misfortune to encounter!

'Now...RUN!' shrieks my 73 year old drinking partner and takes off round the corner as though she has been doing sprint training for the next Olympics! I follow flipping and flopping ..but doing my best... but I get a fit of the giggles as well!

Guess what - we are lost! Because we tore round the pub we have come out in a different road... great! We navigate by the distant view of the hospital chimney and end up crossing some college grounds, 'If anybody asks - we'll tell 'em we're lost ...hic' says Sylvia, We hadn't got a clue and by now it is pitch dark!

I have never been so pleased to see the hospital lights! We fell into our cottage in sheer hysteria...and then put the kettle on and gossiped well into the night!

Next morning when I reported for a session of physical jerks...my head was hammering fit to burst! I confessed to the physio who went into gales of laughter.. and threatened to have me confined to barracks......'please do'... I said, 'please do!'