...We came back from South Wales in time for the new school term and settled back into life up here on our hill without the man of the household who was residing with his parents in Wales. I had worked for a long spell in a County Court on the family section and knew how to fill a divorce petition in with my eyes closed. I got the forms and filled them in, they are still at the bottom of the drawer in the dresser...undated. Life went on. I became rather flattered at the attentions of a batchelor farmer....until I looked with cynicism at what he'd be getting...a country girl used to animals, and the countryside, with cooking and housekeeping experience, three strapping healthy sons used to hard work in the open air......Oh no!!! Its 'mum' tatooed across my forehead not 'mug'! He is still looking .....elsewhere..!
Strangely enough it was middle son who wanted to heal the rift....he that had bourne the brunt of it all that night. How come he, at 16, could forgive and understand but I still could not? I remained in fear of the unknown....terrified of the black depression the had overtaken all emotions...I was too scared to go forward, too scared to get out, too scared to look back....I was stuck in limbo ....and no, I was not strong....I was a gibbbering wreck!
We had some contact ...we had bills to pay, a house to run, animals to care for and things to discuss. I agreed to some counselling sessions which were a bit of a joke really becasuse I ended up doing the counselling and helping the lady fill in her divorce forms to save on a solicitor! Mental Health were looking after N and he was back on the anti depressents but still having the 'turns' which had worsened in that they were no longer silent and went on a lot longer. He wanted to come with me to watch youngest, who hated swimming, take part in a swimming gala.
The same day we had to attend his new secondary school for a parents get together/bonding type of event.
He had a 'turn' at the swimming baths....it was awful....as though he was drunk...he slipped off the seating and went between two chairs, I was mortified and the attendants that helped me get him outside were a bit sarky ....'should take more water with it love'....one said as he dumped him on a wall outside! 'He hasn't been drinking!' I snapped back but I could see they didn't believe me. He recovered and hadn't a clue why were now outside and wanted to go back to watch the swimming ....'its over' I lied...I couldn't go back in there with all those people looking at us. We shared a picnic in the park and went on to the school. It was a humid sunny evening and the classrooms were hot and stuffy, noisy with eleven year old chatter and in the science lab there was a smell of sulphur.....and it happened again. I wished the earth would open up as he started a queer gutteral keening which soon turned into a roar and he slipped down the cupboard where he had been standing. Parents unashamedly gawped at the entertainment whilst Gary and I pulled him out of the room ....no one offered to help. We've never ever been to a social function at that school again.
I rang the Doctor, I created mayhem, I demanded, I think I threatened, I know I swore....a lot! An appointment with a neuro surgeon was arranged and off we went again on the round of CT scans, MRI scans at different hospitals, blood tests. His diagnosis....temporal lobe epilepsy... due to a small bleeding deep inside the brain. Almost two years after the GP had so emphatically ruled out any form of epilepsy...he changed GP's! The medication was started that day and worked immediately. They want to try to reduce it to see what is happening....no chance! Hissy Hissy fit....Youngest is into GCSE mode and we nearly had one lot ruined ..no way is another lot being jeopardised....it will have to wait! I said so!
Eventually he came home, the boys were more resilient than me I have to say. I still see that ethereal extra being in a lime green suit with black hairy hands and a forked tail at the dining table with us but at least he is well behaved....at the moment......but ....hang on a minute......who is that with him .....another shady being?
I knew from the outset that N had dyslexic problems and I was so proud when into his forties he decided to sort it out and join Second Chance. He found enormous satisfaction from this and was so pleased to be able to read a book from start to finish. I never knew of any autistic tendancies .....so why do some appear to be coming out of the woodwork now at 52? Inappropriate emotional behaviour, obsessive traits that were not there before but are definitely there now. The obvious discomfort of physical touch.....and many other little things.
What is going on now I wonder....is it related to the epilepsy....is it going to get worse....or better......how do we cope with it? I don't know.......have read a bit of what is available and can see the need for an adult diagnosis but to be truthful I don't think we can face it at the moment. Perhaps .....some time....
Well there you are Angel....you got my skelly out of the cupboard..well and truly....not for sympathy or pity, they are but fragile garments, but so as you know I really do understand.
Gosh lets have a look in this cupboard now ...get a duster round those nooks and crannies....its so nice to have an empty cupboard......hang on a min .....whats that at the bottom.....? Just a few torrid romances, a few lilac letters from Leicester and a photo of a gorgeous Irishman with a beard ......oh sod it where's the recycled romance box ...don't need these any more.......
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11 comments:
Oh, the medical services..... How did you stop yourself from murdering a Dr? You have been through so much.
I have been sorely tempted
You have certainly been through a rough time, it makes my clinical depression seem like a walk in the park. My OH had undiagnosed Hyperthyroidism, it went on for 5 months before they got to the bottom of it. It was hard to see a 6'4" gorilla go down to a 14 stone skeleton.Of course I was convinced it was leukemia. Toady
Just read your last few blogs. What a lot you have been through, and how well you've coped.
What is so strange is that things work out in the end...
I am so glad things came out ok in the end although what a tale.
And you always wonder if you did the right thing having them back, don't you? You did the same as me, you did what was right at the time. It is different when you have children and the emotional considerations of their lives to take into account too.
So I understand all your varied emotions, only too well!
A couple of years ago, someone said to me "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..."
That has always stuck with me.
It didn't kill you, although when you look back, at the time, I think you probably thought it would. But it didn't. And here you are telling the tale with strength and backbone in your words, you can hear your courage. THAT is the strength people hear when they say, "you must have been so strong.." It did all make you stronger, and shaped your character into what it is today....
...Which sounds a pretty good egg from where I am sitting.
warmest wishes and glad you have been able to shut the door on that chapter of your life.
D
xx
Angel
I am so impressed. I'm not surprised you ended up doing the counselling with that other woman. With your experiences, you could deal with many other problems with one hand tied behind your back.
If ever I go through anything half as horrible in my life, I will come back and read these blogs and tell myself how strong other people have been. I'm in awe, you managed to come out the other side with humour intact.
It is frightening how often the doctors get it wrong....I know they are only human but sometimes there is an arrogance there, a refusal to listen to the people who live closest to it....that's what makes me cross. you knew what it was but they wouldn't listen. Poor you, poor him, poor children....an awful awful story. Epilepsy is such a strange condition, so misunderstood, so hard to understand. As I said before, I have close family with it - and friends too.
The counsellor made me laugh though - reminds me of when I went for therapy and ended up spending the entire time listening to my therapist's problems (and still paid her at the end of each session - now who's got MUG written large across her forehead). I think you are wonderful getting your skelly out of the closet. Mine are jibbering now but not sure I'm quite ready.
Dyslexia and austism are on the same spectrum so they tell me. No consolation is it ? God we think we are so clever sending man to the moon perhaps we should have tried exploring closer to home first and spending the money on investigating things like that. My sympathy SBS. Its not so much going through it it is as you say so well seeing the shadowy figure you know is lurking there and part of you just waiting for it to pop out again one day.
That's one roller-coaster of a story - I hope putting it down has helped in some way. Keep strong.
What a long read I've finally had here! I can't believe how much I'd missed. You have certainly been through a lot over the years, and have come through able to 'tell the tale'.
We seem to work in the same milieu, by the sounds of it. I know what you mean about the dark humour. Sometimes it gets to me and sometimes all I can do is laugh. I tell my husband that I often feel as though I'm in a parallel universe when clients tell me their stories. No one could write fiction half as interesting!
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